Books left: one (but on the road)
After last two or three days I have much to tell. First of all, I am glad that my people are ok (or okay) with each other, so I do not have to blame myself anymore that there’re fighting. Ok, “fighting” is not a good word for that, but I only want to say I am glad that it’s over. So, switching the subject: I have something to tell about lasts days.
Did I write before that I have a decision to make? Really? Nothing more wrong. It wasn’t a decision. Only theoretically I had a choice. Practically, I had no choice. So or so, it’s done. Again – after 45 minutes (ok, I wasn’t planning that) I went into the room and was near to sign the paper, but after what I heard and the way he told this, I needed 10 more minutes (“excuse me, I need some more time to think". Actually, that time I wasn’t so sure that I am going to miss it that much. But when I met those people from psychical hospital (or this building when I met them was a hospital?) I am sure I wanna be back. But … it wasn’t me who wanted this. Or was, somehow. But is not anymore. And – guess what. I am having something that she hasn’t? Right. It only makes me more jealous. Why? Cause she is lucky, she hasn’t this! So again, I am the one who is stupider. Great, right? I cannot even believe how stupid and how a loose I am. Again of course. Ok, that day I was near to cry, hopefully, there was (were?) somebody who makes me smile again. It’s not like it used to be and of course I miss those times, but that’s ok. I’m glad that I had a chance to live that moments. Even hat moments “you’re craziest than I thought” makes me smile now when I’m thinking about it. But a short explanation for those who didn’t get it for now: it was a new book for me, so I only wanted to look through it. So what it was late at night? (Or early in the morning is a better description). I wasn’t learning! Why don’t you get this? I think is time to stop this stupid note now, I said that I am not the best person to keep secrets. Yep, after this note and some others before, I know that it’s all clear, so everybody know what is going on. But, works for me. Cause I do not have to tell each and everyone about what is gonna be Now everybody know, so I have less to tell. O, I almost forgot: after reading my notes someone asked me if I am obsessed. Here is the answer: Yes, I am obsessed. So what?
Receive the Power
Books left: yyy…what left?
Ok, I feel….strange. That everything was strange. Now, I have the voice “pick one”. But the situation is different. I can’t have everything, right? So I have to “pick one”. And this time, it’s my decision. A real decision. My decision. Only my. It’s not like it was with the study when “decision” was only theoretically. And not to make by me. This time is different. It’s only about “say it or not”. How can I say something what I shouldn’t know? But how can I not say this and behave like nothing happened? Someone could please help me? Or better not, cause nobody can feel what I feel so how can he choose something? Right, he can’t. I am the only one who can. What else today? Well…the worst thing is that I’m getting use to being near. And do not know how would it be, being so far. Can’t imagine that right now. Don’t wanna this moment to come. Btw, I do not know the exact day when comes to an end. Ok, something more about today. I was surprised how nice people can be. Not that they’ve never been, but after this two days spending in psychical hospital, meeting nice people is something surprising. Again, changing subject (much of them today): this week are too much of season premieres. I can’t be addicted right now, cause when summer is over I am not going to watch at all. And right now, there’re four series that I want to watch, two of them new seasons started this week. I’m gonna miss my series. So what I have the TV? It doesn’t change the fact I can’t watch. Aaaa….it’s going to be like a rehab. Or worse.
P.S. Btw, watching first episode season 2, am happy about D&S, but Dan isn't comming back at second place at my top-ten list
Days to say goodbye: 3
Era Stupendo but it’s over now. Mi sono smarrita. A few hours ago I wanted to write here something, but there was another something that makes me change my mind. Still the same: why do I have to share my life with anybody who do not share his life? I know, now you’ll ask “So why you’re writing this blog?” Wh.y? because I am addicted to writing. I have to write something, just to have a hobby. To give away me feelings somewhere. To write and forget. Forget and go. Keep going. Somewhere. Somewhere what is unknown for me right now. As somebody said it yesterday: it’s like a new part in the life. You don’t know where’re you going, but you can’t be afraid. Not quoting, cause I do not remember the exact words. But the point is that it is me, beginning a new part in the life. Have my own way. Do not know where is the final line or what would it even be. Have many ways too choose. Quanti ce ne sono? E grande. Sfortunatamente 2much. Pensa che mi piacera? I don’t know. It’s new for me, so I can’t know right now. All I know is that I am not alone. And that makes it easier.
P.S. (Yep, as the piece of the title of my new book :P) As I said I do not wanna share my life with somebody who can’t do the same for me, so since tomorrow password. Something what I saw today makes this password-decision to be earlier than I thought at first. And from this place, I wanna say thanks to everybody who knows the password without me saying it. However it is easy to guess, that means a lot to me. Really. So thank you again. Mille grazie.
There is no good in goodbye
„Tell me how am I suppose to breathe with no air”. For three weeks from now, at this time I am going to be after my first day in a brand new school. So, like a title of the song: first day on a brand new planet. I can’t say I am not afraid, cause I am, but it’s not like I am afraid it’s going to be bad, but I am afraid only because it’s something new for me. I am not afraid, because I trust, I am only a little bit scared and only because it’s new. In other cases I am not scared. I can handle with the people there, with the rate race, what it’s nothing new for me. I only can’t with being so far away. And of course with learning, what - for a lazy person as me – it’s really inconvenient. Ok, there’s something more I want to tell after Sunday meeting. Well…some people can surprise you. Positively, of course. With a faith in people like mine – people can only surprise positively, cause you ever expect the worst. So, about being surprised: I haven’t even thought that a person who was more like a stranger than like a friend could understand things better than someone of who was more like a friends than like a stranger. But word is spinning, right? Nothing can stay forever as it was once. And people can’t always be there for you. They have their own life, so we can’t blame each other for leaving. People always leave, it has always been like that and always will be. So there’s always a time for a goodbye-party. Tia…the only advantage of saying goodbye. And the only way when you can hug with others girlfriends/boyfriends legally (as somebody has said :P). And you can listen all the sad songs that reminds you about great moments. And stay all night with people who cares about you and who you care about. Really, goodbye party is a good way to do lot of things. But it’s better not to have goodbye-party too often. Because it’s nothing good when comes to an end of this party and you have to say goodbye. And “there is no good in goodbye”.
Sitting in front of the computer. Listening to my last-month-list songs. Waiting for tomorrow. One way and another, it doesn’t change anything. I can’t change somebody’s life only because I am weak. Feel like 10 months ago, saying goodbye to someone who I am still missing. I know, I am monothematic, but: people always leave. I ca write it six billions times, but still, that doesn’t change the fact that they always leave. Six billions, right? “At the moment …” and you know the rest. Ok, changing subject. Thinking about having friends: well, I do not understand people who are having many friends, but non of them is a real friend. Definitely, I prefer my way: one or two friends, but a real friends. And even more real family. Ok, I wrote this only because I was thinking today about somebody. And this somebody has many friends, but in fact he is alone. With no one. Even without a family, which – in fact – he has. But sometimes I doubt if he really has them, cause he behave like he hasn’t. Of course, he has them. But the way he act makes me asking why he is doing what he is doing. Ok, a bit complicated. And I think is time to stop this note right now, cause is the song in the radio that makes me sad. Btw, tomorrow I a getting up early. I wonder why I am doing this. Is not what I wanna do. And I am not talking about getting up early now. See U.
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